Confessions… Not from the closet, as it happens.
July 2, 2008 – 7:45 pmI don’t know, something about the word “confessions” just reminded me of R. Kelly. I really apologize, there’s just no excuse.
Anyway. I’ve put a lot of thought into how I would write this entry… Annnnd after all that thought, I’m still no closer to a decision, so let’s just write it on out, shall we? I’m not sure how many people outside of LiveJournal are reading this anyway, and I DO need to post something on MySpace, as well, so I can actually start talking to my friends again, instead of avoiding them out of fear. …I’m taking a breath now.
So on June 6th, I moved to Pennsylvania to start a new job. And on June 17th, I moved back to Connecticut.
Well. That’s a slight truncation of events, really, seeing as how there were two stints in the emergency room mixed up in there, as well as a bunch of trips back and forth to Pennsylvania, wherein I really did attempt to still live there.
But I couldn’t stay. I was just too sick, and I needed to be home with my own doctors. I guess this is just another example of it being “just not the right time,” right?
Right.
I don’t know… I feel like the world’s biggest jerk while simultaneously feeling REALLY super-relieved. I was under a lot of stress before I left Connecticut, and I just couldn’t leave it behind, apparently; I took it with me, and the added stress of moving, starting a new job and being three hours away from everything and everyone I was used to… Bleh. It was just all too much, I guess. I basically stopped taking care of myself, and the rest is history.
The difficult part to admit (and also, somehow, the easiest) is that there is really nothing wrong with me. Don’t get me wrong — I am OVER THE MOON that every blood test, CT scan and ultrasound that I’ve had (and listen, there’ve been a few) have shown absolutely no abnormalities whatsoever, but it provides a slightly less glamorous tale to tell anyone who asks. How do you say, “I’ve suffered from panic and anxiety since I was eight years old, and I seem to have — oh, what are the kids saying now? — ‘lost my sh!t’..? Yeah. That sounds about right.”
The thing is, though, I don’t want to make it sound like there were no physical symptoms or no “real” reason for me to be considered “sick” for the past few weeks… When your body is under duress (from sickness or stress), it… does… certain things. The symptoms of stress and anxiety (both together and separately) mimic those of lots of illnesses, as many of you know (or, at least, those of you reading on LJ, because I KNOW you know).
So either way, I’m home and having trouble doing things like, you know, GETTING UP IN THE MORNING, but I’m working on it, and every day is another day, and every day is another chance to feel a little bit better. I’m taking it slow, I’m baking a lot, I’m seeing friends and trying to take better care of my puppy. Watching A LOT of Lifetime TV, which I’m not sure is a positive, actually. There’s some WEIRD stuff on that channel, man. Weird stuff.
So I guess that’s where I’ll end it for now… I had looked forward to chronicling an important time in my life on Cloudwoven this summer… And I suppose I still will be, though it won’t be quite what I’d had in mind.
We’ll see… One day at a time, right?
Right.
