Today was a rough day. Today was a rough day because I feel like I “relapsed,” health-wise, after singing the praises of antibiotics all weekend, and because I no longer have any appropriate perspective on the issue of my own body. I have felt for many weeks like I am a mind placed atop a stranger’s form. Needless to say, it’s been pretty weird.

Today was a rough day because each moment spent somewhere that has always felt like ‘home’ has become foreign and unwelcoming, and it breaks my heart a little bit more every day.  Today was a rough day because the very people that I would love to see act honestly and fearlessly, the people I would love to have on the same page that I am on, do not and are not. And today was a rough day because the unhappiness affects not only me, but those I consider loved ones, and it seems to be spreading.

I’ll be honest, dear blogosphere — over the last year, I have felt my life spinning out of control. Some would say I’ve never really HAD much control, and hey? Who am I to argue? That may very well be true, after all. Nonetheless, “things” have gotten curiouser and curiouser, and I am not sure how gracefully I have handled any of it. Ironically, though there has not been a single moment over these past twelve months when I have not had free will, I have felt only rarely the ability to make a change, to take the reigns and start steering myself in a different direction. I would never wish an unquiet mind on anyone. Take from that what you will, and I am somewhat sorry that I can no longer be as open on my own blog as I’d like to be. Airing dirty laundry and whatnot.

But today was a reminder, as well, a reminder that bigger and better things are happening than what I may see around me from day to day; a reminder that hope is not lost, that the ideals so many of us have held as truths for so long may yet see the light of day. Though I was not able to watch the presidential inauguration where and with whom I’d originally planned, I am satisfied, even happy, to have been where I was, with the people who stood at my side — good, strong people who have seen their own troubles and who have kept those same ideals in their own hearts throughout. Today was just as much theirs as anyone’s. Today, we truly saw ‘change’ come to America; President Obama doesn’t need to perform any miracles during his time in office, because in my opinion, he’s already performed one: he has brought together and inspired so many of us, so many of us who have the potential to do wondrous, positive things, who have felt so down and helpless for so many years. Barack Obama’s faith and determination has rippled out and over this country, and the true change has already begun.

Today was a rough day for me, but it was a spectacular day for our country. So I will scrub my face, and I will read a book and I will fall asleep. I will wake up tomorrow to a new day, and I will start all over again, and I will try all over again. And maybe it will be easier, and maybe it won’t be — but I will keep on trying, and I will keep on searching, and I will keep on believing that, as long as I am faithful to those things, change will come.

Happy January 20th, 2009.